Being a Mom: Desperation and Celebration




All my life, I knew that I wanted to be a Mom...and I knew I wanted (at least) 2 children, close in age, boy first, then girl...and I wanted it all before I hit 30.

When I met "Mr. [I'm Always] Right", and things got more serious, children became a priority. One that rode shotgun for 8 solid years of my life, without becoming a reality. Month after month, I would wait and get excited, then my world would crash down around me, over and over again. I went through fertility testing, and was given statistics about how frequently women's chance of pregnancy went up after this specific procedure, yet months, and even years, passed without a change.

After graduating from college, FINALLY, I traveled home to spend a weekend with my Dad, and be present for a close friend's wedding. During this trip, I sadly informed my Dad that we had been unable to get pregnant, and that I could no longer handle the pain and disappointment of trying and waiting every month, and that we were giving up on that dream. It had been one of the hardest decisions of my life.

I decided to pursue a second degree, and began classes immediately upon returning home. I enjoyed these classes, and was looking forward to them, yet shortly after starting school that fall, I began having some very odd symptoms...so I went to my Doctor and explained that I had been falling asleep frequently, even while sitting up, reading course work or doing projects, and at times, would sleep for 18 hours. My longest span of sleep during this time was nearly 36 hours! My doctor chalked it up to depression, and recommended anti-depressants, which I refused. Instead, I followed the second set of instructions, and dropped all of my courses, in an effort to "Take Care of ME". In October, it wasn't until about 8 days after I was supposed to have my cycle that a lightbulb sparked, and I honestly thought it had to be due to the stress and strange sleep patterns, but I decided to take a home pregnancy test anyway. As I dejectedly sat, watching the stick and waiting for the time to lapse, and that second line faintly began to appear, I nearly jumped right out of my skin. And I'm pretty sure everyone within a 2 mile radius heard my excitement...in fact, I nearly caused my brother to go deaf, as he was sitting downstairs on the couch. He knew before anyone else, whether he had wanted to or not!

At that point in my life, THAT MOMENT, when the second line appeared in the little window...THAT was THE BEST MOMENT in my entire life. THE BEST. Nothing before that could even TOUCH that very moment. Nothing.

I WAS GOING TO BE A MOMMY! OH MY GOODNESS! A MOMMY! A BABY! ME!

Nothing would EVER top that moment, in my mind. Until...

We took our first snow-boarding trip with our little Pickle. He was 10 months old at the time. And on the drive there, we talked about trying for a second child later that year. We had serious doubts that we'd even be able to conceive again, after the difficulties we'd had previously. But we intended to try, and if it didn't happen, then we'd be okay with that, too. We got pregnant that very night. MONTHS before we'd intended to even try. Actually, 9 months before we'd intended to try, so instead of beginning to TRY, we were giving birth to our SugarPlum later that year.

After years and years of desperately trying, and being constantly disappointed, I'd managed to get pregnant, not ONCE, but TWICE!

I'd gotten everything I'd wanted. 2 children, check! Close in age, check! Boy first, check! Then a girl, check! Before I turned 30, CHECK!

I must be the luckiest girl in the world! Definitely feels like I'm the luckiest MOM in the world! NOTHING TOPS IT.

And I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am, when I hear the heart-breaking stories of women who dream of being a Mom, but never do, whether it be due to infertility or miscarriage.

I am also reminded of my gift when I hear of tales of loss. Nothing can prepare a parent for this, nor can anything ever take the pain of that loss away. It's forever.

I have been gifted two amazing and beautiful children. And I am now FOREVER a Mommy of Two. For Mother's Day, I don't need anything super expensive or flashy. No flowers or candies. I just want the love. THEIR love. Every day for the rest of my life.

Happy Mother's Day, to all of you amazing Moms out there. Whether you have been a Mom for YEARS, or just MINUTES. Whether you carried and birthed them, or adopted them. Whether they are present in your lives, or a presence (spiritual) in your lives. Once a Mom, Always a Mom.

Celebrate You. Celebrate your child(ren).

Happy Mother's Day, Momma...I wish you were here. Thank you for the gift of MY life. I see you every day, in my daughter. I wish you could meet her.